a b s t r a c t.

I live in the abstract

There is no time and place

Just empty space...
constantly Splashed with clashing hues

That dont know how to blend

No room for anyone

Except for flesh and blood

Except for heart and soul

Except for endless restlessness
For a quest that is the answer to itself.

where all lines blur
where Life and death
hold each other's hand
as they tread
on the tightrope of insanity

where every song is heard

and every word echoes
as it drifts

Further and further away

But is never quite lost

I'm the spider
who knit this web

Now the web holds me its prisoner

I've lived in the abstract

Now the abstract lives in me...

Cold hearted!

You've been everything to me.

My family

My friend

My love

You've done every possible thing for me

Burnt your insides

Put your peace on mortgage

Bled to the very last drop of your spirit

  

And if i cant acknowledge a love

like this one

Then i have to be 

a cold hearted bitch

Whom, 

even a love 

so majestic

couldnt touch

Its far too much

than i deserve

Could anyone else possibly take such a blessing to be a curse

The only right thing i could ever do is to let you go...

And find the one who truly values you so...

Parasite!

Sometimes

Somethings keep hitting the same spot over and over again

N then one day when the wound is raw enough,

the hurt seeps inside

And takes shelter in some hollow space within

And then its beyond you

You cant fix it

You cant even touch it

Its lingers on like un diagnosed disease, you know its there,but u just cant quite localise it...

a parasite that has its tentacles firmly established,refusing to budge, knawing you, sucking every drop of your blood

And all you can do is watch and suffer

All you can do is Suffer and watch...

sentimental Fool!

I have unrealistic expectations

from people around

When i'm in the pits

I want them to go all out

But they dont understand this,

For they have better things to do

Its not their fault,

The problem is me,

the Sentimental fool!

They feel, making me happy

Is a task,quite impossible

in my tough times

I expect their life to be at a standstill

Citing that i would do the same

But Its ridiculous,

Because no one can be like me

And no one ought to

Its really no good, being

a Sentimental fool

Friend

You've been the only one

whose been there

Through thick & thin

Walking beside me 

Always reassuring me 

That i can crash into you 

Any time i need to

I can take you for granted

I can use and throw you

You dont judge me

You accept me as who i am

and who i'm not

Your silence reveals profound lessons

You let me fly in my mind

And when the need arises

You bring me to my knees

You know my truth

You know my lies

You bring out the tears

To soothe me

Youre my blessing

Youve been my curse

You brought out my insanity after all

You unleashed my demons

forcing me to confront them

You exploit my fragility

You slap me in my face

You're my biggest ally

Youre my partner in crime

You boost me up

You shame me

Whatever you do

You bring me closer to myself

You watch over me

But never question my freedom

You keep my insides churning

My heart aching

So it never forgets to beat

You make me feel guilty

But eventually forgive me

When the realisation dawns on me

You're harsh

You dont mince words

I'm no longer afraid of you

People often ask me if i have ever commited to anything in life

Yes i can sheepishly say-

Ive been commited to

Running away from you

Except when i steal brief moments of you and turn into a melancholic poet

I'm sorry,

i havent valued you enough

please lets give it another try

Im sure we'll learn to enjoy each others company

Come embrace me

Come lets have a drink,

a smoke, together

Come my solitude

lets be friends again...

Empty house!

They warned me against you

What a monster they made you out to be

But my empty house

You're just as lonely as me.

Infact you're better off,for you give refuge to a needy like me

I on the other hand am home to insecurities that greedily feed on me

You keep waiting for a day when i'd welcome myself in without a frown

Without looking at us both with self pity while i shut the world out

You wait with open arms
for me to embrace you

I am fidgety
till i dont manage to escape you

I associate a day with success

when i see you only at the fag end

too occupied to spend time with you,
i conveniently pretend

I traded my comfort for freedom
that's something you never let me forget

i see your bare walls in place of people i should have kept

i wish i was as empty as you, so there was room for beautiful thoughts to fill me inside

But instead within me 

Endless emptyness resides

So im back-my empty house

This time greeting you with a smile

im sure we'll get along
like a house on fire...

Safe...

She seemed engrossed
In her books at the time
no could tell what demons dwelled
In the crevices of her mind
That in a matter of seconds
She would leave the world behind
All it took was a slit of her wrist
All it took was a slip in time

From the neighbouring house
Rang prayers to welcome the night
But she was already far away
Searching desperately for the light
That light that each one was to follow
But the dark tunnel she was treading
Seemed tiringly hollow
The promised peace
Was no where to be seen
She felt a thousand splinters
Pierce her being
The darkness began to seep inside
Every pore
She gasped for a last breath
as she lay drowning in the ocean of unrest

In the deafening silence
She heard a faint call of her name
She tried to flow towards it
But she lay pinned to pain
She tried to scream out
But no sound came from within
the voice seemed to move
Further away
Its mere echo remained

And then the world blacked out
She could not fight any further
 Earlier she had given up life
But now life had given up on her
She heard the voice
call her name once again
This time
she wouldnt let it get away
She mustered all her strength to stretch out her shapeless hand

She felt weightless atlast
She seemed to have finally found the light
So majestic and blinding
it hurt her eyes
She had journeyed to the ocean of peace
She could now sigh with relief
God's hand stroked her head
She felt hot tears wet her face
She was grateful to feel something
She was grateful to feel anything at all
She summoned courage to look up to the one she would give herself up to
God looked just like her mother
God smelt just the same
God's arms embraced her and welcomed her to a safe place.

The crutch

I have my four limbs intact
But mostly i'm on a crutch
I cant move an inch without its permission
I need approval for every step
I need reassurance of the ones taken before
I need the commitment of taking me through the ones in the future
There's no such thing as "my decisions"
I'm too much of a coward to be able take them
My crutch supports my fears
It makes their hold stronger
They weigh down heavily on me
I'm willing to do everything possible to hang on to it
A vestigeal part in me wishes i trip
For only then will i regain my balance,
The day i fall hard enough to break my crutch,
Is the day i will truly rise!

Forgiveness and Gratitude

I want to begin this year

By thanking everyone

For being who they have been

With me....

For all the love,pain,warmth,anguish,

Turmoil,they facilitated

I am who i am today because of these

experiences.

I am strong and hollow all at the same time

I am a million exciting things

I can love endlessly

Have i any new year resolutions

No

I have a few promises to make to myself

Its has nothing to do with time and occasion

i want to learn to love myself

I want to face my fears

I want to realise all my potential

Do i have any expectations from the world?

Perhaps- to not try to meddle with my journey , my soul-quest

But they will,wont they!

So no,

I have no expectations from the world

I however wish we all can forget and forgive ourselves and others

That we can explore and extract the best from ourselves

That we can be more kind and loving

That we can find ourselves and learn to truly accept and embrace ourselves and those who hold meaning in our lives.

Cup of tea!

My first cup of tea

in 

My own place

My own mug

My own chair

My indulgences

through

My own resources

My own choices

My own abilities

My reality

about

My hardships

My strenths

My failures

Giving up

On

 

My life

My freedom

My Dreams

Not 

My cup of tea!