Losing game!

A quick run through...

I've been through 

28 years of my life

its been a quite a journey

so many up's & down's 

and the after taste remains bitter-sweet

I've been so many people

nearly all whom i love and love to hate 

lived in real life so many

characters i'd read in stories

wasted so much time 

made so many excuses 

run away so often from reality

not taken as many chances 

as i should have

not made so many mistakes 

as i should have

barely stepped out of my 

comfort zone

inside my cocoon

like a pigeon who closes its eyes upon seeing the cat as a threat

sitting in  a sense of "pseudo-happiness"

embarrassed to declare my only achievements

of having survived all these years while being in a limbo but "safe"

and now when i realise all this

i want to ask you god

could i start over please

what will it take?

could i die and be reborn

with a new name ,a new identity

could all my life-which is wrapped up in past

be simply deleted

could i start over

applying all the lessons i've learnt

could i go back to school and not take my studies more for granted

could i make more friends that i could keep forever

could i nitpick less

could i be a little less selfish

could i be a little more forgiving to others

could i be a little more forgiving to me

could i feel a little less horrible about my pimples and breasts

could i feel a little less embarrassed about being overweight and not having boyfriends at the time when all my friends did

could i feel a little less pained at not being every teacher's favourite

could i feel a little less self-depreciative about not coming first in my class anymore

could i keep myself a little less isolated in college

could i be less judgemental ,writing people off as good or bad,writing myself off as a loser

could my mind wander off a little less to past and future

while attending classes or in conversations

could i accept a little more my desires,my convictions,my paradoxes

could i accept my situations a little more

could i accept being misunderstood sometimes

could i blame myself and the world, a little less for all that went wrong

could i be a little less imaginatively fearful

could i be a little less naive and vulnerable

could i reconcile better to my present
could i be less of an escapist?
could i be less of a perfectionist?
coud i try to please my family a little less?

could i erase and rewind?

for now i find myself trapped in a number

my most hated subject 

looming over my head

seems like a hopeless test

with numbers defining everything

for a woman-

when must one complete her education

when must one get married

when must one have a baby

when must one leave her job

when one must have the second baby
when one must give all her time to her kids
when and if she must get back to her work

is she a good mother ?

is she ambitious enough?

when must she start using anti ageing products?

when must she start dying/colouring her hair?

how much cooking must she know?

how much sewing must she know?
what is the extent of her multitasking?

when should she start worrying about menopause?
and await the toll it takes on her body and mind!

feels as though 

im trapped in an hourglass

with sand always rushing to the other side

trying to beat the unbeatable

trying catch the uncatchable

a race against time

and sometimes i wonder
shall i give this madness another name?

what is the need anymore
to play this losing game?

Mani,19th Feb,2014,11:04 am