the Question?

Is this love?
or just a need...
upon which conveniently
our insecurities feed

If this is love
then why does it seem
to suck out the passions
from our very being?

into some dark pit
I can't quite reach
as I shirk away
from practicing all that I preach

My core drained hollow
while something grows inside
this emptiness,gnawing me away
like a parasite

So do we jump right in
and combat our fears
or let lives drift away...
helplessly,through the years

or do we part from each other
to figure out, what all this means
curl up in our solitary cocoons
till we're ready to spread our wings

so we can answer the question
that looms over our dreams-
Do we need each other or just ourselves,
to feel truly- complete?

Mani,11pm,21st April,2014

The Essence...

i never want to forget ....
when i ceased to fear the dark
when i could look long and deep into the mirror
when i heard the choking voice of my mother

i never want to forget the most nourishing meal i had
garnished with overwhelming tears
the Bitter-sweetness of losing something dear
and then finding it back when one nearly stops looking

i never want to forget
the showreel of my journey
that i so often thought of of destroying
while each scene had indeed been flawlessly executed

and yet in spite of an imperative past
i find myself at an interesting juncture
when fate has given me the privilege
of unfolding a blank scroll
to write my destiny all over again...
when nature has given its consent
for my transcendence....
how blessed i am...
to be reincarnated every day
how innocent i am...
to be able to look at the world with childlike wonder in my eyes
how beautiful i am...
to be draped in the majestic robe of sheer intensity
how fortunate i am...
to be able to tread along the brink of the surreal
how versatile i am...
for every imagery i've been given to etch with my flesh and blood
how precious i am...
fragile,vulnerable,yet perfect like a newborn baby...

to whoever's up there, running the show-
i accept your designs for me
i applaud your sense of humour
i have but one expectation from life...
i sure want this to be one helluva ride! ;)

My Love...

Come my love...
come into my arms
you're only 4
so innocent
not knowing whom to trust
and how much
you're to be protected
but how
with a big bad world around you
waiting to pounce on you
come i'll take you in my arms
and keep you safe...

Come my love...
come into my arms
you're only 11
confused
soon to take a step towards womanhood
scared
ignorant of facts
of whats to happen
that may change you
and how the world looks at you from now on
come i'll take you in my arms
and make you realise...
you're a normal kid...

Come my love...
come into my arms
you're barely 13
ready to take on the world
a rebel rockstar
you have you're life chalked out
your friends don't understand you
grown ups say you're a fool
you know nothing
and you never will know enough
to be your own master
come i'll take you in my arms
and show you...
you're amazing
you're exceptional...
you have what it takes to achieve you're dreams...

Come my love
come into my arms
you're now 18
you allow being bulldozed into the most important decision of you're life
you give in
with a jittery confidence
hopes crumbling
you submit
come i'll shake you up
for you're not weak,
you're just conflicted
come i'll take you into my arms
and urge you to hush all that's not you
listen to the voice inside...

Come my love
come into my arms...
you're now 21
deeply resentful
stuck in black's and white's
isolated
friendless
at war with yourself
and the world around
afraid of everything that were once your passions
come i'll take you into my arms
and warn you...
though you're fighting with all your might
you're fighting the wrong battles...

Come into my arms
you're now 23
more confused than ever
heart broken
shattered
deserted
in your pits
repulsive to the idea of happiness
addicted to the drug of pain
come into my arms
i'll pick you up and put you back together
reassure you...
this is not the end of the world
you have a lot to be grateful for...

Come into my arms
you're now 24
running away
from all that hurts
trying to flutter with broken wings
you fall out of the nest
into the jungle
still far from flying
you struggle
outsmarted by
tricks played by your mind
come i'll take you in my arms
and comfort you...
you're home is right here
within you...

come into my arms
you're now 29
thirsting for answers
shocked at revelations
and suddenly
the pieces fit together
the weight lifts off your shoulders
yet you grieve at the lost years
the anguish burns your soul
helpless at being cheated by time and consequence
at decisions you did ,but didn't quite make...
come i'll take you in my arms
and show you
what life is trying to tell you
the essence behind each twist and turn
so you can finally...
unconditionally
accept the past
all that you have been
all that you could have been
all that you are today
and all that you'll ever be
embrace yourself tight
and know that its okay
you'll be alright...
you'll always have me by your side
i,your creativity,your shadow,your spirit,you're depth,you're voice,you're intuition...
watching over you till the end of time...

Mani,1st April,2014

WHO am i?

who am i?

if not for my up's and downs
if not for my smiles and frowns
one moment i'm tragic
next moment i'm a clown

who am i?

if not the crazy one
who gets so excited
over the smallest things
trying in vain to forget
the unending sadness
my thoughts bring

who am i?

if not the beautiful mess
that i carry within
the bomb inside
with the clock ticking

who am i?

if not the drama queen
always attracting crisis
willing to do anything
for perfect moments to exist

who am i?

when all this is over
will i lose my magic?
the weaving of words?
the enchantment of possibilities?
the delusion of life?
will i recognise myself?
will you ?
will you still love me....
without my madness?
without my being "me"?

Mani, 11:17pm, 2014

Losing game!

A quick run through...

I've been through 

28 years of my life

its been a quite a journey

so many up's & down's 

and the after taste remains bitter-sweet

I've been so many people

nearly all whom i love and love to hate 

lived in real life so many

characters i'd read in stories

wasted so much time 

made so many excuses 

run away so often from reality

not taken as many chances 

as i should have

not made so many mistakes 

as i should have

barely stepped out of my 

comfort zone

inside my cocoon

like a pigeon who closes its eyes upon seeing the cat as a threat

sitting in  a sense of "pseudo-happiness"

embarrassed to declare my only achievements

of having survived all these years while being in a limbo but "safe"

and now when i realise all this

i want to ask you god

could i start over please

what will it take?

could i die and be reborn

with a new name ,a new identity

could all my life-which is wrapped up in past

be simply deleted

could i start over

applying all the lessons i've learnt

could i go back to school and not take my studies more for granted

could i make more friends that i could keep forever

could i nitpick less

could i be a little less selfish

could i be a little more forgiving to others

could i be a little more forgiving to me

could i feel a little less horrible about my pimples and breasts

could i feel a little less embarrassed about being overweight and not having boyfriends at the time when all my friends did

could i feel a little less pained at not being every teacher's favourite

could i feel a little less self-depreciative about not coming first in my class anymore

could i keep myself a little less isolated in college

could i be less judgemental ,writing people off as good or bad,writing myself off as a loser

could my mind wander off a little less to past and future

while attending classes or in conversations

could i accept a little more my desires,my convictions,my paradoxes

could i accept my situations a little more

could i accept being misunderstood sometimes

could i blame myself and the world, a little less for all that went wrong

could i be a little less imaginatively fearful

could i be a little less naive and vulnerable

could i reconcile better to my present
could i be less of an escapist?
could i be less of a perfectionist?
coud i try to please my family a little less?

could i erase and rewind?

for now i find myself trapped in a number

my most hated subject 

looming over my head

seems like a hopeless test

with numbers defining everything

for a woman-

when must one complete her education

when must one get married

when must one have a baby

when must one leave her job

when one must have the second baby
when one must give all her time to her kids
when and if she must get back to her work

is she a good mother ?

is she ambitious enough?

when must she start using anti ageing products?

when must she start dying/colouring her hair?

how much cooking must she know?

how much sewing must she know?
what is the extent of her multitasking?

when should she start worrying about menopause?
and await the toll it takes on her body and mind!

feels as though 

im trapped in an hourglass

with sand always rushing to the other side

trying to beat the unbeatable

trying catch the uncatchable

a race against time

and sometimes i wonder
shall i give this madness another name?

what is the need anymore
to play this losing game?

Mani,19th Feb,2014,11:04 am

is it Time?

is it time,
my love

for you to arrive?

give me a sign

or have i not been

listening intently

did i not hear your silent call to me

did i miss all that's subtle and better unsaid

I've always known you

felt your presence
since i was a child

floating around me

looking at me

looking over me,

loving me

holding me

smiling

waiting for the day
when the time would come

for me to give you form

when i would become

the instrument

to bring you

into this world

my world...

to soak your soul within mine

drench you in my passions

protect you with my life

and then

all these complications

we weave into our lives

for no good reason

will evaporate

and i know 

in loving you

all the doubts will hush away

my strength will awaken
and take over

i shall find peace

as you take me to my basics

and....

make me an animal again...

Mani, 30th January, 2014

my Will

when i die

dig out the bundles

of tattered bits of paper

hiding inside 

the inaccessible part

of my closet 

safe in the 

casket of unheard melodies

words peeping out

solemnly 

at the thought

of being discovered

afraid

of accidentally pouring

out the weight of emotions

tugged on tightly by them

all this while...

give them away

to someone

who will value it 

as some kind of wealth

than a burden 

that i thought 

i might carry to my grave

or that might carry 

me there instead

but no that is my last wish

to no longer be bound
to what belonged to all
to what was never mine

furthermore  

in my journey to

other versions of reality

that i might learn to accept

let a sweet voice

belonging to a heart

that has loved and lost

but unlike me
still continued to love -

render the songs free

loud and clear

so the world may hear about
yet never dare to imitate
the ways of this unknown
songwriter,singer, composer
(let this be the inscription)

a self-professed martyr,

a deluded fool 

who spent all her life running

from who she truly was

and collapsed when her mind,body and spirit 

could take no more,
who will then
take a final bow
to the thundering applause
at the sadistic joke of destiny
and at last,hopefully...
will rest in peace.

Mani, 29 January, 2014

fool

how far will you run

how deep will you hide

how long will you manage to contain

your bleeding insides

pretend you're okay

when you're barely breathing

passing time

as if there's a reward for suffering

whoever gave you that idea!

no,you're not being a martyr 

by embracing pain

you're offering permanent abode

to the otherwise

fleeting devil within

shake yourself out

this isn't real

pain is just an escape

from the reality
you're afraid to feel

stretch out your hand

to your soul 

that's begging to be saved

tormented at the mercy

of your menacing mind

that plays on you

tricks of all kinds

you may have felt

now and then

in your hardest moments 

a gentle caress

of your guardian angel

holding a signboard out for you 

but remember

he's no god or saviour

and to think so

you would only be a fool

for you are the one ,
the only one-

who can rescue you!

Mani, January 29, 2014

my Drug...

i wonder why nothing ever touches

or moves me

i'm a dead body walking

can't feel a thing

the mechanical act

of breathing barely manages  

to keep me functioning

keep running everywhere

out of desperation

begging,hopeless and despaired

sinking deeper into

the pit of nothingness

blind to my passion

deaf to my voice

unfeeling to the spark within

constantly questioning it

trying my best to drive it away

letting my defeats try to squash it

so at least 

once it dies

i could then hold its ashes

in my hands

and bleed

feel something,somehow ...

and as now in this moment

as the notes nourish my senses
as my lips form the words
i can barely hear

pain oozes out of my every pore

tears caress the smile

that comes on the face of the

one who sees a net
appear out of nowhere

catching him from his free fall

at the final second

when he's very nearly 

embraced his end

the relief...that god

you are not dead

you who created the drug
that breathes life into me
that stirs in my bosom
that balms my wounded soul
that makes the pit of my stomach wrench
that awakens my will
that steals sleep from my eyes,hunger from my body
as if its the most natural thing
and when the high wears me out
i float in the sweet esctacy of possibilities
as time waits for me to plug back in
all over again
you, my drug, my music

i hope to be hopelessly addicted to you...

forever.

Mani, 1 am, 30th January, 2014

Come to me...

come to me

my divine light,

come to me

my gurus, my saints

my guides & my guardian angels

my healer,my hope,

watch over me,

shield me,

lead me,

hold me close,

hold me dear,

hold me tenderly

as your child,

as your precious one

flow into me

breathe into me

light up all the dark 

spaces and places within me

squeeze out all the doubts

cleanse me from within

bathe me in faith,

dress me in love and light

seep within my very being

take over me

and set me free….

Mani, Dec 2013