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Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Losing game!

A quick run through...
I've been through 
28 years of my life
its been a quite a journey
so many up's & down's 
and the after taste remains bitter-sweet
I've been so many people
nearly all whom i love and love to hate 
lived in real life so many
characters i'd read in stories
wasted so much time 
made so many excuses 
run away so often from reality
not taken as many chances 
as i should have
not made so many mistakes 
as i should have
barely stepped out of my 
comfort zone
inside my cocoon
like a pigeon who closes its eyes upon seeing the cat as a threat
sitting in  a sense of "pseudo-happiness"
embarrassed to declare my only achievements
of having survived all these years while being in a limbo but "safe"

and now when i realise all this
i want to ask you god
could i start over please
what will it take?
could i die and be reborn
with a new name ,a new identity
could all my life-which is wrapped up in past
be simply deleted
could i start over
applying all the lessons i've learnt
could i go back to school and not take my studies more for granted
could i make more friends that i could keep forever
could i nitpick less
could i be a little less selfish
could i be a little more forgiving to others
could i be a little more forgiving to me
could i feel a little less horrible about my pimples and breasts
could i feel a little less embarrassed about being overweight and not having boyfriends at the time when all my friends did
could i feel a little less pained at not being every teacher's favourite
could i feel a little less self-depreciative about not coming first in my class anymore

could i keep myself a little less isolated in college
could i be less judgemental ,writing people off as good or bad,writing myself off as a loser
could my mind wander off a little less to past and future
while attending classes or in conversations
could i accept a little more my desires,my convictions,my paradoxes
could i accept my situations a little more
could i accept being misunderstood sometimes
could i blame myself and the world, a little less for all that went wrong
could i be a little less imaginatively fearful
could i be a little less naive and vulnerable
could i reconcile better to my present
could i be less of an escapist?
could i be less of a perfectionist?
coud i try to please my family a little less?
could i erase and rewind?

for now i find myself trapped in a number
my most hated subject 
looming over my head
seems like a hopeless test
with numbers defining everything
for a woman-
when must one complete her education
when must one get married
when must one have a baby
when must one leave her job
when one must have the second baby
when one must give all her time to her kids
when and if she must get back to her work
is she a good mother ?
is she ambitious enough?
when must she start using anti ageing products?
when must she start dying/colouring her hair?
how much cooking must she know?
how much sewing must she know?
what is the extent of her multitasking?
when should she start worrying about menopause?
and await the toll it takes on her body and mind!

feels as though 
im trapped in an hourglass
with sand always rushing to the other side
trying to beat the unbeatable
trying catch the uncatchable
a race against time
and sometimes i wonder
shall i give this madness another name?
what is the need anymore
to play this losing game?


Mani,19th Feb,2014,11:04 am

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