is it Time?

is it time,
my love

for you to arrive?

give me a sign

or have i not been

listening intently

did i not hear your silent call to me

did i miss all that's subtle and better unsaid

I've always known you

felt your presence
since i was a child

floating around me

looking at me

looking over me,

loving me

holding me

smiling

waiting for the day
when the time would come

for me to give you form

when i would become

the instrument

to bring you

into this world

my world...

to soak your soul within mine

drench you in my passions

protect you with my life

and then

all these complications

we weave into our lives

for no good reason

will evaporate

and i know 

in loving you

all the doubts will hush away

my strength will awaken
and take over

i shall find peace

as you take me to my basics

and....

make me an animal again...

Mani, 30th January, 2014

my Will

when i die

dig out the bundles

of tattered bits of paper

hiding inside 

the inaccessible part

of my closet 

safe in the 

casket of unheard melodies

words peeping out

solemnly 

at the thought

of being discovered

afraid

of accidentally pouring

out the weight of emotions

tugged on tightly by them

all this while...

give them away

to someone

who will value it 

as some kind of wealth

than a burden 

that i thought 

i might carry to my grave

or that might carry 

me there instead

but no that is my last wish

to no longer be bound
to what belonged to all
to what was never mine

furthermore  

in my journey to

other versions of reality

that i might learn to accept

let a sweet voice

belonging to a heart

that has loved and lost

but unlike me
still continued to love -

render the songs free

loud and clear

so the world may hear about
yet never dare to imitate
the ways of this unknown
songwriter,singer, composer
(let this be the inscription)

a self-professed martyr,

a deluded fool 

who spent all her life running

from who she truly was

and collapsed when her mind,body and spirit 

could take no more,
who will then
take a final bow
to the thundering applause
at the sadistic joke of destiny
and at last,hopefully...
will rest in peace.

Mani, 29 January, 2014

fool

how far will you run

how deep will you hide

how long will you manage to contain

your bleeding insides

pretend you're okay

when you're barely breathing

passing time

as if there's a reward for suffering

whoever gave you that idea!

no,you're not being a martyr 

by embracing pain

you're offering permanent abode

to the otherwise

fleeting devil within

shake yourself out

this isn't real

pain is just an escape

from the reality
you're afraid to feel

stretch out your hand

to your soul 

that's begging to be saved

tormented at the mercy

of your menacing mind

that plays on you

tricks of all kinds

you may have felt

now and then

in your hardest moments 

a gentle caress

of your guardian angel

holding a signboard out for you 

but remember

he's no god or saviour

and to think so

you would only be a fool

for you are the one ,
the only one-

who can rescue you!

Mani, January 29, 2014

my Drug...

i wonder why nothing ever touches

or moves me

i'm a dead body walking

can't feel a thing

the mechanical act

of breathing barely manages  

to keep me functioning

keep running everywhere

out of desperation

begging,hopeless and despaired

sinking deeper into

the pit of nothingness

blind to my passion

deaf to my voice

unfeeling to the spark within

constantly questioning it

trying my best to drive it away

letting my defeats try to squash it

so at least 

once it dies

i could then hold its ashes

in my hands

and bleed

feel something,somehow ...

and as now in this moment

as the notes nourish my senses
as my lips form the words
i can barely hear

pain oozes out of my every pore

tears caress the smile

that comes on the face of the

one who sees a net
appear out of nowhere

catching him from his free fall

at the final second

when he's very nearly 

embraced his end

the relief...that god

you are not dead

you who created the drug
that breathes life into me
that stirs in my bosom
that balms my wounded soul
that makes the pit of my stomach wrench
that awakens my will
that steals sleep from my eyes,hunger from my body
as if its the most natural thing
and when the high wears me out
i float in the sweet esctacy of possibilities
as time waits for me to plug back in
all over again
you, my drug, my music

i hope to be hopelessly addicted to you...

forever.

Mani, 1 am, 30th January, 2014

Come to me...

come to me

my divine light,

come to me

my gurus, my saints

my guides & my guardian angels

my healer,my hope,

watch over me,

shield me,

lead me,

hold me close,

hold me dear,

hold me tenderly

as your child,

as your precious one

flow into me

breathe into me

light up all the dark 

spaces and places within me

squeeze out all the doubts

cleanse me from within

bathe me in faith,

dress me in love and light

seep within my very being

take over me

and set me free….

Mani, Dec 2013