Cup of tea!

My first cup of tea

in 

My own place

My own mug

My own chair

My indulgences

through

My own resources

My own choices

My own abilities

My reality

about

My hardships

My strenths

My failures

Giving up

On

 

My life

My freedom

My Dreams

Not 

My cup of tea!

After taste

What must i eat?
Something salty
Or something sweet

What must i watch on tv?
The news
Or perhaps a movie

What would be more comforting
Hiding under a blanket
Or someone else's skin

Will these help
remove past's
After taste that lingers on

distract me from the sound
of ticking
of the clock

prevent confrontation
with the truth
i'm not quite fond of

Take away
 this horrible feeling
And put me at ease

Hush away all conflict
And can give way
 to peace?

Crippled

I'm crippled right now...

my will tied up

With an invisible rope

I can't call out...

so i write

it is after all, my only hope...

More!

Pointless

Clueless

Jobless

Hopeless

Dreamless

Heartless

Listless

Mindless

How much more distress

Will i endure

when moreorless...

less is more...

Sorry!

Awwe!

you must be hurting

thanks to my careless blurting

Must be digging 

another tiny hole

in the pit of your soul

Must be like 

needles breaking

into your thick skin

Must be dessert

to the parasite
that knaws deep inside

Awwe!
But It ought to hurt
your conscience, reduced to dirt

Im not sorry
for, from my basics
i will never budge

I'm just sorry for you
for how my reality
you lazily choose to judge!

Indecision!

What is real?
All i've ever been
Or who i'm being now?

What is the truth?
All that i havent done
Or all i plan to do now?

What has more shelf life?
My long standing history
Or my recent present

What is worth choosing?
A safe mundane life
Or the promising unknown

Who must i bank on?
Those who know me enough to hate me yet still want me...
Or those who see me anew and trust me enough to bet on me

because one moment i'm  happy
And in the other dejected
One moment I'm loving
And in the other, disconnected

In this circumstance,
How can i know what i truly feel
How does one tell
Illusions from what's real!

But as i take my time
That i cant define exactly
I seem to drag everyones' lives
Indefinately

i recall what someone said and perhaps its fair to agree
If i dont take my decisions soon enough-
then someone else will take them for me!

liar

i'm a liar
i don't do what i say
i say what i'm never going to do
this is the truth i swear to you
i keep trying
but the problem is
that i don't even realise
when it is, that i'm lying!

The Blue Hole

i sink

in a blue hole

cant see where i'm going 

cant see where i will land

will i land anywhere at all 

or will i simply drown

and end up as debris of a bottomless pit

i'm drifting where the current feels like taking me

the only thing i'm sure of 

that this helplessness is getting 

sickeningly sweet...

its like being embraced by a drug

that promises

surrender

to a mirage

to a delusion

to a beautiful lie...

The girl with the Golden Crown !

She said i was beautiful

never had she seen me frown

She said i'm the girl with the golden crown

She said i was always smiling

and so would the people around 

She said i'm the girl with the golden crown

She said i was taking life so gracefully

True happiness would always surround

She said i'm the girl with the golden crown

but she didn't know

that in my quest for freedom

I had managed to get bound

the weight of the world
on my shoulders
had been wearing me down

the gold enthroned upon my head
had been slowly turning brown
if only she knew, I'm the lost girl, who was never found...

distant...

I need to be distant

I need to be away

I need to be detached 

I need to let go

I need to stop giving in

I need to be alone 

I need to be strong

I need to stop acting like a love- hungry puppy

I need to stop putting blind faith on the unknown

I need to stop forgiving when not deserved

I need to stop opening my heart to anyone and everyone
I need to stop depending on others
I need to stop expecting from others
I need to stop hating myself for my flaws
I need to stop hurting
I need to stop drifting
I need to stop needing
but i need -
to save my hypersensitivity
to be responsible
to be reasonable
to safeguard my dreams
to protect my vulnerability
to heal myself
to preserve the spark of divinity within
to count my blessings
to be eternally grateful
to be selfish and self-centred
to throw out what i dont need
to be committed to myself
to face the world
to face myself
to earn my place
to run for my life
to learn to tolerate my own company
To be distant...
To stop needing others
and need only myself...

Thank You...

whoever you are...
where ever you are...
whether you run the show from up there
or you operate from within us all
whatever you put me through
whatever you blessed me with
which ever crossroads you took me to
whenever life seemed to hold still
you were flowing
you were guiding me
you were holding my hand
you were nurturing me
you were loving me unconditionally
you were teaching me all i needed to know
i accept it all
i appreciate it all
i value it all
i offer to you my eternal gratitude...

Decide

every time
someone Else

Decides...

to Stay with me
to Walk out on me
to Give-In to me
to Give-up on me
to Push me
to Hold me back
to Steer me to "Self-proclaimed" right
to Avert me from "Self-loathed" wrong

someone Else
Decides...

how i must Not deceive
the very trust i Doubt
how i must be True to my promises
even if they no longer hold any Meaning

someone Else
Decides...

"Whom" i must love
"How" and "How much"
the last memories
i would be left with, to hold on to...

but people barely
Realize...

Try as i might
to hear the voice inside
i don't seem to have Earned the right
to Decide for my life, in their Eyes...

and Sadly enough
i Suspect they're Right...

???

who am i right now?
who was i sometime back?
what did, everything i did till now, mean?
what will, everything i do from now on, mean?
who and what will i transform into?
will i understand who i become?
will i recognise myself?
will i be able to love myself
will you...???

short-Lived

taste of Happiness-
short-Lived...
bout of Excitement-
short-Lived...
spark of Life-
short-Lived...
rush of Blood-
short-Lived...
desire to Desire again
short-Lived...
a glimmer of Hope-
short-Lived...
basking in Inspiration-
short-Lived...
daring to Dream-
short-Lived...
the promise of Forever
short-Lived...
but Pain-
Everlasting.............

Who decides??? (Dedicated to my dog Tyson)

Who decides ?
how much suffering can one endure

Who decides ?
who lives and how long

Who decides ?
who dies and how

Who decides ?
how much one must take

Who decides ?
when enough is enough

Who decides ?
what is the breaking point

Who decides?
how much to fight

Who decides ?
when to give up

Who decides ?
when to let go

Who decides ?
how long to linger

Who decides?
how much fear to instill

Who decides ?
how much freedom to give

Who decides ?
how much to praise

Who decides ?
how much criticism is healthy

Who decides ?
what is real or fake

Who decides ?
what is right and what's wrong

Who decides ?
the norms of a "make-believe" society

Who decides ?
what rules are allowed to be twisted

Who decides ?
what is acceptable or not

Who decides ?
if one is strong-willed or plain defiant

Who decides ?
how much is defence or destruction

Who decides ?
where is the line

Who decides ?
how much of truth is it alright to distort

Who decides ?
what times its alright to lie

Who ?
the entity we believe to exist
Who ?
the fate we try to twist
Who ?
the religions we proclaim
Who ?
the devil we love to blame

Who ?
the ones whose rights we deny
Who then?
you mean - u and i?

we, Who know half the truth?
neither the circumstance nor the root
let us first step back and look inside
before we, on behalf of those affected, decide!

"World of the dead"!

Welcome to the "world of the dead"
you don't have a reservation?
not a problem at all
we're open 24/7

about your room? oh nothing to worry!
you wont be needing much space
your come from royalty is it?
great,then we'll put you in your place

relax, there's no dress code
petite looks just as pretty as plus-size
since the lighting is poor
we wont be able to tell if you're coloured or white

oh pardon the interiors!
we prefer to furnish in grey's
don't worry you'll get used to it soon
as your judgemental self fade away

you want a drink?
oh but we don't serve alcohol at night
we assumed you'd arrive
already drunk on life!

sorry there's no transport facility to the previous station
but we do offer lifetime accommodation instead
you want to get back but wasn't it you who hoped
so many times,that you were dead

you wanted more than you had, didn't you
well, consider this place all yours
strange though that no one ever told you
to be careful of what you wish for!

Trigger!

hey i feel dead...
Come lets talk...
lets have a conversation....
maybe something will come out of it...
something that stimulates me....
shakes me up
from my slumber
from my numbness
because my thresholds seem to have shot up
and i dont know how to get to some kind of reality...
i need a trigger!

hey i feel high
need to slow down
lets sit in silence
maybe it will quiet things down in my head
something that eases me...
wakes me up
from my fantasy
from my wandering
because my excitement has touched such heights
I'm tired of this duality...
i need a trigger!

yet AGAIN !

WHO are YOU?

WHO are YOU?
you whose eyes my eyes are peering into
seeking answers....

WHO are YOU?
you who unknowingly or perhaps knowingly
sketched the entire design of your life....

WHO are YOU?
you who is on some kind of journey
do you know where you are heading and why....

WHO are YOU?
when you smile and a tear falls from your eye
at the small joys of life....

WHO are YOU ?
when you turn into a demon
dancing to the tunes of anger and revenge....

WHO are YOU?
when you writhe in pain
who comes to your mind at that precious moment....

WHO are YOU?
what do you realize
when you look at the miracle you created...


WHO were YOU?
in the countless lifetimes
that you traveled through to get here....

WHO are YOU ?
who all you need to encounter
what do your need to experience to free yourself?

WHO are YOU?
apart from the role-play either you
or someone else chose for you

so now i ask you again...
WHO are YOU?
not what what you DO....

YOU
who's aura shimmers before me...
YOU
whose eyes my eyes are peering into...
YOU
who thinks our paths crossed out of sheer accident!

i ask YOU
will you let me see a glimpse of your soul
while i seek....
WHO I am....

Clean?

ive been drugged most of my life
& a wonderful time its been
why i cant i be here forever
why must one come clean

i've been happy to close my eyes
and take a trip down where
im making love to music on stage
with thousands waving their hands in the air

when the art & artist become one
a medium of divinity
moments truly lived
a beautiful give & take of energy

you think i should let go of fantasy
but i beg to differ
what good is waking up
when reality is such a blur!

the Key

i was just trying to protect you
from losing your sanity
so I locked up some bits of you
but then somehow I lost the key!

I had told you to never get mad again
because anger only caused more destruction
but I didn't know that it would with it
your very motivation!

I had told you to stay away from your passion
so you wouldn't be hurt any more
but I didn't know you would be robbed
of zeal itself, from your core!

i wonder what to do
now that i realize the extent of damage done
i wonder how you will possibly find your way
through the impossible maze that your mind has become

i guess its time to break into those memories
make sure old circuits are dissolved
i guess its time to rewire
and start over with a new resolve

your true calling-
it would be foolish of you any longer, to resist
its time to stop fighting the wrong battles
to stop looking for the Key of a lock that never did exist!

the opposite of love-dedicated to Gita maam

No,im not gonna hate you
that's just not good enough
ever wondered
what's the opposite of love!

No it wont matter
what you do now
the damage is done
I've already put my faith in my doubts

Now is the time for me
to experience bliss in my ignorance
because the opposite of love isn't hate....
the opposite of love is Indifference....

Hold me...

you can fret all you like...
but i aint sleeping with you tonight
next to you perhaps
take it with a pinch of salt or a slap
remember again what i said
i aint getting into your bed

you want your cheek to get my kiss
try and be the brother i miss
you want to shake my creed
try and be the father i need
you want to be the lover i never forget
then take me in your arms & hold me instead....

In love...

i love you
but i'm not in love with you
i belong to you
but i don't wanna end up with you

you warm my heart
but i need it to flutter
you are my soulmate
but i need a lover

dont want to do something
that will cause you hurt
but i need to make a confession
for i can no longer lie to us

i'm concerned for you
but i don't really care
sometimes i'm mean to you,but i
cant see you in pain i swear

i love to hate you
i'm so useless when you're around
although you set me free
but invisible strings keep me bound

Then look at you and i'm reminded
how i love you so...
guess i'm not in love with you
For i stopped loving myself a long time ago...

Sleep...

i smile...
resting my head on a wet pillow
what will it take
to for sleep to perch on my brow

have I not longed for you enough
have I not hummed me a lullaby
have I not held my arms out
and dreamt of you all this while

what will it take
for sweet slumber to unfurl
to make my eyes heavy with anticipation
to open the doors into my favourite world

Come over me dear sleep
oh don't make me beg you now
its time to run away somewhere far from me
somehow...

Love song !

Green grass between my fingers
Blue sky above my head
Your eyes locked into mine
While we listen to words unsaid

As if we own no past
And no future awaits
Hoping these stolen moments
Will Trick our fate

Into holding time still
in our secret testament
Hushing all the voices in our head
If only for this moment

There is no melody
To our love song
no story
To have possibly gone wrong

Just you and me
In a corner of our minds
When we want to close our eyes
and leave the world behind...

slave

i walk undaunted
but am i really free?
i live in a cage
wouldn't you agree?

for i'm a slave to my failures
a professional amateur
to ticking of the clock
killing time as it kills me back
a propensity to escape
from the fate i create
a slave to wanting attention
to defying convention
forever craving intensity
that i steal from my priorities
a slave of my compulsions
of untimely diversions
an expert at procrastination
with a recipe for self-demolition
to the chemicals in the brain
which decide how much and when i'm sane
hooked to television,taking refuge in sleep
promising an alternate self-designed reality

a slave to junk food and junk information
to patterns that repeat for no rhyme or reason
creating crisis to get me to action
extreme pressure to get a reaction
restlessness to trickle out my creativity
pain to trigger my thresholds of sensitivity
a slave to delusion that someone else will save me
being a creeper on every standing tree
a slave to excuses and outside stimuli
not taking responsibility for the demons that constitute me
waiting for something to wake up my dead motivation
quitting at the first hint of frustration
a cripple with all limbs intact
who chooses to brood than to act
a compulsive liar, fooling the self
faking having potential and seeking a magic potion to success
My! how i have gotten myself into this beautiful mess!

i look at myself with outrage
having made a home of this cage
if I could step out this door
that has been open all along
I'd be a free soul today
writing a different song!

THANK YOU MEHAK FOR INSPIRATION!!! This one is FOR YOU! :)

is this happiness
when you smile so wide, your eyes water
the freedom...
when nothing or noone no longer matters
the insight
that takes people searching in the himalayas
the joy we seek....
from holding a child in our arms
Is this the look
that we want to have on our face before taking our last breath
the purpose
bigger than any ambition or wealth...

Is this pure ecstasy
or just an emotional surge
if this is bliss
upon merely touching the tip of this iceberg...
then how would it be
to be in love forever
to feel the lightness one feels after crying
to be forever embraced
by the universe....

Little Diamond

You were a gift
i saw you sparkle
a little diamond
stirring in my life
you began to shine
your aura blinded everyone
they were intimidated
how could something so precious be in their care
there had to be something wrong there
they were scared
you'd change their life forever
you'd take them off their cushion
you'd challenge them in every way
you'd demand their faith and strength
you were asking for too much
more than they could give
so they decided to nip you in the bud
they cursed you for all that ever went wrong since
they wished you were never born

forgive me
that i let them succeed
in making me hate you
making me me doubt you
making me wish i had never realised you
till your flame began to flicker
with all the layers of blame piled up on you
forgive me
for i no longer can bear to see you dying this way

i give you my hand
come back to me
come save me
come i will embrace you
come i will protect you with my life
come take your seat within me
my little diamond
shine my love
shine so bright
that the world basks in your divinity
and bows down to your sheer magnificence

Monster!

He lives in my House
He sleeps most of the time
We wakes up once every few months
When he smells something that he can ruminate on
Then he growls
On the top of his voice
As the neighbourhood shivers with fright
He bangs doors
Breaking whatever comes in his way
And when he's done scaring me
He goes back into his dungeon
Until the next time
Hush be quiet
U dont want to wake up the monster
That resides
Deep inside
Us all...

I Love you..

I love you...
I know  you don't believe me
yes its true...
I make promises I never keep

I make these grand plans...
that i cant remember next day
I squirm trying to stay put...
while I'm make plans to run away

I say one thing...
then do another
I know you wonder...
if this would be the case forever

i don't have all the answers
Don't trust a single word I say to you
but know that inspite of all this mess
I sure do love you...