Shhhhh...

Shhhhh...
hear the quiet
i'll shut the door
if that's required
draw in the curtains
for you seem shy
what will it take
for you to reply
to all these questions
driving me insane
i'm waiting for your turn
as we play this game

Relax
as we toy
with all this unrest
i seem to enjoy
is it for a reason
as they say?
or is it here
this time to stay?
has life shown
all its cards yet ?
or is it still to reveal
who eventually wins this bet

Say something
my love
its now or never
for i'm about to give up
i dare to ask you
one final time
is this the end,
or another trick played by my mind?
i need you this once
more than ever
my voice speak up now
or be silenced forever...

Love Song...

i just cant wait to get home to you
to see that twinkle in your eyes
the way you put yourself in my hands
a trust whose worth i barely realise...

the way you know what's going on within
as you rest your head on my knee
a joyous meditation
being alone with you is all i need...

And so we sit together
in our silence
no advice
or big words to preach
and as we bond
to each other
we listen to our
silence speak...

i'm grateful for so many second chances
it takes you no time to forgive me
i can hardly reciprocate how
i'm loved unconditionally

when i'm away,i miss your presence
like my shadow,always next to me
there's nothing you ever ask for
my company is all that you seek...

And so we sit together
in our silence
no advice
or big words to preach
and as we bond
to each other
we listen to our
silence speak...

Burn...

Lusting for the unknown
like a moth to a flame
always playing to lose
this irresistible game

Attracting chaos
risk running in my veins
hunting for crisis
adventure my middle name

Feeding on thrill
no perception of fear
distorted view of the world
is one i hold dear

Surviving on the rush
of adrenaline in my brain
now that i've tasted blood,
life can never be the same again!

Losing to a subconscious
housing demons untamed
each time i rise like the phoenix
only to get burnt again...

Accident!

i wonder sometimes
howcome we exist
was this all designed
or creation just stumbled to reality
maybe-
there is no fate to direct us
no force of nature to affect us
no divinity to select us
no poetic romance to connect us
maybe we're all here
simply by accident
just by accident...

Maybe
family is just familiarity
and love just a play of hormones
children just a need to procreate
and god just a name for our fears
maybe-
there is no fate to direct us
no force of nature to affect us
no divinity to select us
no poetic romance to connect us
maybe we're all here
simply by accident
just by accident...

1st August,Friday,5:42 pm,2014

happy song

I've been sitting dazed
watching life rush by
helpless noticing
i've been barely alive

pain's always been there for me
and even now as i feel so terribly alone
it balms my hurting insides
in a way i have never known

you tell me to write
a happy song
but how can pen down something
that seems inherently wrong

something so alien
so distant and unreal
with false promises
brutality it conceals...

The ache...

i lie in my bed
waiting for your fragrance to fill my world
to illuminate my eyes
to awaken my senses
goosebumps on my skin
waves running down me
drowning in your mouth
bringing to life
a full blooded woman
draped in sensuality
seeking
demanding
strong
enough to let you go
feeding from your body
possessing your soul
leading you
in the dance of passion

come my lover
merge with me
in a way
we cant figure out
where one begins
and the other ends
flow into me
take me
make ravishing love to me
just for tonight
and then walk away
so i can bask in your afterglow
so i can ache for you all over again....

That (Man & Woman)!

He's not "that man"

the one you seem to hate

the one you cant tolerate

is this the best you can do---

she's not "that woman"

after all that she has done

for simply everyone

especially for you-

these two-

cant be doing that bad

after all the love

that they've had

still if its true

then i wish
"that man" & "that woman"

do perish

so they're

dusted off to reveal 

a loving couple
underneath... 

Mani,10th June,6:30pm,2014

The wait...

I wait...
Holding my breath
Seemingly dead

I hear...
creaks of the non living
from a past that's unforgiving

I give...
Flesh to my fears
My own creations haunting me

I watch...
My thoughts hitting random walls
denting my sanity,taking a toll

I ache...
For some heaviness in my eyes
That takes me away from my plight

I drown...
In a senseless dream
not designed by me

I fly...
On wings of peace
Intoxicated with relief...

Mani, 31st May, 2:30 am

Save?

Tell me you will save me
You who wakes me up
You who tucks me into bed

Tell me you will help me
You who keeps me up
You who tricks me to sleep

Tell me you will protect me
You who gives me jitters
You who holds me together

Tell me you will take away all that i dread
That u will either fix or shut down
The conflict in my head!

Mani,31st May,2:15 am,2014

Light...

Dark it was..
Infinitely hollow
Trying to swallow
me alive...

Hope
so much farther
that my arms could barely reach it
for me to survive...

And just when i thought
there was nothing left of me to save
just when i gave up
and began to dig my grave
I saw a wicker of light
so warm and bright
like the parched to the oasis
I reached out to life...

Mani,31st May,1:15 am,2014

Drama Queen !

Dont look so bored
soon you will be
thoroughly entertainment
by her whims and fancies

out to prove herself
riding on her fragility
rose-tinted glasses
the world,she sees

faultering and fumbling
with reality
she lives in the imaginary realm
she knit in her dreams

she flirts with danger
seduces with innocense
risking her life
at no expense

she plays with fire
with a thrill she can barely contain
she'll spin your world
and not care to explain

she dances to the illusion
of love too good to be true
she is every man's fantasy
she will surely devour you

she makes love to music
she lusts for loyalty
drenched in her passions
gambling with insanity

she survives because she craves
she will make you her slave
then drive you away
to test if she's brave

her life a running movie
one frame at a time
each moment of absolutely perfection
to her own Design

its time for applause
for the performance
you have just seen
bow down to the drama queen!

Mani,13 May,5:30 am,2014

hide?

don't want to be locked in this room
but cant step outside
is there some part of me
where i could safely hide?

where clarity pushes
all doubts aside
where paradoxes don't relish
the conflict inside

where there is no room
for fear to thrive
where love and hate
don't dare collide

where passions
set rules to abide
and logic cant take me
for a ride

could this be the home
i have long sought to reside
in my graveyard of dreams
i might come across-life?

Mani,13th May, 4:30 am,2014

???

where is everyone?
my friend?strangers?family?
where are you when i need you?
to be right here, next to me?

where are the self-appointed?
so-called guides?angels?guru's?
why aren't they watching over me?
do they have better things to do?

there is no one here
to hear my silent screams
no extraordinary miracle
designed to save me?

there is only my despair
that refuses to abandon me
the only friend i have
one i wish i didnt need

it embraces me gently
while it chokes the life out of me
feeding on my memories
devouring my peace

i watch the brutal onslaught
imprisoned helplessly
as i wait for it to lull me
into an endless sleep...

Mani,13th May,2:30 am,201

Brighter side

I've been running
all this while
rushing back and fro
through time
they say we are
our greatest friends
but it seems
to be a lie

i hope to take refuge
from my home
but i can barely
call it my own
so i search for
someplace new
far away from
me and you

where do i run and hide
carrying these fragile insides
will the sun ever turn around
so i can look at the brighter side...

Mani,21st April,12:30 pm,2014

The Promise...

i cant promise
i wont give in to my fancies sometimes...
but i promise...
i will always keep you in mind

i cant promise
there wont ever be bad days
but i promise...
i will look for the silver linings every possible way

i cant promise
i wont sink in the quicksand of despair and doubts
but i promise...
i will reach out for your hand to pull me out

i cant promise
i wont drive you out of your mind
but i promise...
i will win you back each time

i cant promise
i wont sometimes be one you'll barely recognise
but i promise...
that i will always love you,whether or not we realise


Mani,5th May,12:45pm,2014

Together?

i'm sorry its been so hard
all these years for you
i worry what a toll
it might have taken on you
but trust me,
i dint intend it
i dint even realise
what was happening to me,
what it was doing to you
what it was talking away from us...

i cannot begin to imagine
what would have gone
through your mind
all this time...
what a nightmare
to see your person hide
behind shadows
you didn't quite recognise...

so i ask you today...
can we start over,
you and me
with a fresh perspective
once again
write our destiny
pretend all this never happened
that we never missed out on each other
as though we were born right this moment
so we could open our eyes to this world, together...

Mani,5th May,12:30 pm,2014

let me...

let me go...
i can barely breathe
i need to scream
this silence is killing me

let me free
from my crippling depency
I've barely stood
on my own two feet

let me grieve
for the loved one,long deceased
i used to know
someone like me...

Mani,11pm,22nd April,2014

the Question?

Is this love?
or just a need...
upon which conveniently
our insecurities feed

If this is love
then why does it seem
to suck out the passions
from our very being?

into some dark pit
I can't quite reach
as I shirk away
from practicing all that I preach

My core drained hollow
while something grows inside
this emptiness,gnawing me away
like a parasite

So do we jump right in
and combat our fears
or let lives drift away...
helplessly,through the years

or do we part from each other
to figure out, what all this means
curl up in our solitary cocoons
till we're ready to spread our wings

so we can answer the question
that looms over our dreams-
Do we need each other or just ourselves,
to feel truly- complete?

Mani,11pm,21st April,2014

The Essence...

i never want to forget ....
when i ceased to fear the dark
when i could look long and deep into the mirror
when i heard the choking voice of my mother

i never want to forget the most nourishing meal i had
garnished with overwhelming tears
the Bitter-sweetness of losing something dear
and then finding it back when one nearly stops looking

i never want to forget
the showreel of my journey
that i so often thought of of destroying
while each scene had indeed been flawlessly executed

and yet in spite of an imperative past
i find myself at an interesting juncture
when fate has given me the privilege
of unfolding a blank scroll
to write my destiny all over again...
when nature has given its consent
for my transcendence....
how blessed i am...
to be reincarnated every day
how innocent i am...
to be able to look at the world with childlike wonder in my eyes
how beautiful i am...
to be draped in the majestic robe of sheer intensity
how fortunate i am...
to be able to tread along the brink of the surreal
how versatile i am...
for every imagery i've been given to etch with my flesh and blood
how precious i am...
fragile,vulnerable,yet perfect like a newborn baby...

to whoever's up there, running the show-
i accept your designs for me
i applaud your sense of humour
i have but one expectation from life...
i sure want this to be one helluva ride! ;)

My Love...

Come my love...
come into my arms
you're only 4
so innocent
not knowing whom to trust
and how much
you're to be protected
but how
with a big bad world around you
waiting to pounce on you
come i'll take you in my arms
and keep you safe...

Come my love...
come into my arms
you're only 11
confused
soon to take a step towards womanhood
scared
ignorant of facts
of whats to happen
that may change you
and how the world looks at you from now on
come i'll take you in my arms
and make you realise...
you're a normal kid...

Come my love...
come into my arms
you're barely 13
ready to take on the world
a rebel rockstar
you have you're life chalked out
your friends don't understand you
grown ups say you're a fool
you know nothing
and you never will know enough
to be your own master
come i'll take you in my arms
and show you...
you're amazing
you're exceptional...
you have what it takes to achieve you're dreams...

Come my love
come into my arms
you're now 18
you allow being bulldozed into the most important decision of you're life
you give in
with a jittery confidence
hopes crumbling
you submit
come i'll shake you up
for you're not weak,
you're just conflicted
come i'll take you into my arms
and urge you to hush all that's not you
listen to the voice inside...

Come my love
come into my arms...
you're now 21
deeply resentful
stuck in black's and white's
isolated
friendless
at war with yourself
and the world around
afraid of everything that were once your passions
come i'll take you into my arms
and warn you...
though you're fighting with all your might
you're fighting the wrong battles...

Come into my arms
you're now 23
more confused than ever
heart broken
shattered
deserted
in your pits
repulsive to the idea of happiness
addicted to the drug of pain
come into my arms
i'll pick you up and put you back together
reassure you...
this is not the end of the world
you have a lot to be grateful for...

Come into my arms
you're now 24
running away
from all that hurts
trying to flutter with broken wings
you fall out of the nest
into the jungle
still far from flying
you struggle
outsmarted by
tricks played by your mind
come i'll take you in my arms
and comfort you...
you're home is right here
within you...

come into my arms
you're now 29
thirsting for answers
shocked at revelations
and suddenly
the pieces fit together
the weight lifts off your shoulders
yet you grieve at the lost years
the anguish burns your soul
helpless at being cheated by time and consequence
at decisions you did ,but didn't quite make...
come i'll take you in my arms
and show you
what life is trying to tell you
the essence behind each twist and turn
so you can finally...
unconditionally
accept the past
all that you have been
all that you could have been
all that you are today
and all that you'll ever be
embrace yourself tight
and know that its okay
you'll be alright...
you'll always have me by your side
i,your creativity,your shadow,your spirit,you're depth,you're voice,you're intuition...
watching over you till the end of time...

Mani,1st April,2014

WHO am i?

who am i?

if not for my up's and downs
if not for my smiles and frowns
one moment i'm tragic
next moment i'm a clown

who am i?

if not the crazy one
who gets so excited
over the smallest things
trying in vain to forget
the unending sadness
my thoughts bring

who am i?

if not the beautiful mess
that i carry within
the bomb inside
with the clock ticking

who am i?

if not the drama queen
always attracting crisis
willing to do anything
for perfect moments to exist

who am i?

when all this is over
will i lose my magic?
the weaving of words?
the enchantment of possibilities?
the delusion of life?
will i recognise myself?
will you ?
will you still love me....
without my madness?
without my being "me"?

Mani, 11:17pm, 2014

Losing game!

A quick run through...

I've been through 

28 years of my life

its been a quite a journey

so many up's & down's 

and the after taste remains bitter-sweet

I've been so many people

nearly all whom i love and love to hate 

lived in real life so many

characters i'd read in stories

wasted so much time 

made so many excuses 

run away so often from reality

not taken as many chances 

as i should have

not made so many mistakes 

as i should have

barely stepped out of my 

comfort zone

inside my cocoon

like a pigeon who closes its eyes upon seeing the cat as a threat

sitting in  a sense of "pseudo-happiness"

embarrassed to declare my only achievements

of having survived all these years while being in a limbo but "safe"

and now when i realise all this

i want to ask you god

could i start over please

what will it take?

could i die and be reborn

with a new name ,a new identity

could all my life-which is wrapped up in past

be simply deleted

could i start over

applying all the lessons i've learnt

could i go back to school and not take my studies more for granted

could i make more friends that i could keep forever

could i nitpick less

could i be a little less selfish

could i be a little more forgiving to others

could i be a little more forgiving to me

could i feel a little less horrible about my pimples and breasts

could i feel a little less embarrassed about being overweight and not having boyfriends at the time when all my friends did

could i feel a little less pained at not being every teacher's favourite

could i feel a little less self-depreciative about not coming first in my class anymore

could i keep myself a little less isolated in college

could i be less judgemental ,writing people off as good or bad,writing myself off as a loser

could my mind wander off a little less to past and future

while attending classes or in conversations

could i accept a little more my desires,my convictions,my paradoxes

could i accept my situations a little more

could i accept being misunderstood sometimes

could i blame myself and the world, a little less for all that went wrong

could i be a little less imaginatively fearful

could i be a little less naive and vulnerable

could i reconcile better to my present
could i be less of an escapist?
could i be less of a perfectionist?
coud i try to please my family a little less?

could i erase and rewind?

for now i find myself trapped in a number

my most hated subject 

looming over my head

seems like a hopeless test

with numbers defining everything

for a woman-

when must one complete her education

when must one get married

when must one have a baby

when must one leave her job

when one must have the second baby
when one must give all her time to her kids
when and if she must get back to her work

is she a good mother ?

is she ambitious enough?

when must she start using anti ageing products?

when must she start dying/colouring her hair?

how much cooking must she know?

how much sewing must she know?
what is the extent of her multitasking?

when should she start worrying about menopause?
and await the toll it takes on her body and mind!

feels as though 

im trapped in an hourglass

with sand always rushing to the other side

trying to beat the unbeatable

trying catch the uncatchable

a race against time

and sometimes i wonder
shall i give this madness another name?

what is the need anymore
to play this losing game?

Mani,19th Feb,2014,11:04 am

is it Time?

is it time,
my love

for you to arrive?

give me a sign

or have i not been

listening intently

did i not hear your silent call to me

did i miss all that's subtle and better unsaid

I've always known you

felt your presence
since i was a child

floating around me

looking at me

looking over me,

loving me

holding me

smiling

waiting for the day
when the time would come

for me to give you form

when i would become

the instrument

to bring you

into this world

my world...

to soak your soul within mine

drench you in my passions

protect you with my life

and then

all these complications

we weave into our lives

for no good reason

will evaporate

and i know 

in loving you

all the doubts will hush away

my strength will awaken
and take over

i shall find peace

as you take me to my basics

and....

make me an animal again...

Mani, 30th January, 2014

my Will

when i die

dig out the bundles

of tattered bits of paper

hiding inside 

the inaccessible part

of my closet 

safe in the 

casket of unheard melodies

words peeping out

solemnly 

at the thought

of being discovered

afraid

of accidentally pouring

out the weight of emotions

tugged on tightly by them

all this while...

give them away

to someone

who will value it 

as some kind of wealth

than a burden 

that i thought 

i might carry to my grave

or that might carry 

me there instead

but no that is my last wish

to no longer be bound
to what belonged to all
to what was never mine

furthermore  

in my journey to

other versions of reality

that i might learn to accept

let a sweet voice

belonging to a heart

that has loved and lost

but unlike me
still continued to love -

render the songs free

loud and clear

so the world may hear about
yet never dare to imitate
the ways of this unknown
songwriter,singer, composer
(let this be the inscription)

a self-professed martyr,

a deluded fool 

who spent all her life running

from who she truly was

and collapsed when her mind,body and spirit 

could take no more,
who will then
take a final bow
to the thundering applause
at the sadistic joke of destiny
and at last,hopefully...
will rest in peace.

Mani, 29 January, 2014

fool

how far will you run

how deep will you hide

how long will you manage to contain

your bleeding insides

pretend you're okay

when you're barely breathing

passing time

as if there's a reward for suffering

whoever gave you that idea!

no,you're not being a martyr 

by embracing pain

you're offering permanent abode

to the otherwise

fleeting devil within

shake yourself out

this isn't real

pain is just an escape

from the reality
you're afraid to feel

stretch out your hand

to your soul 

that's begging to be saved

tormented at the mercy

of your menacing mind

that plays on you

tricks of all kinds

you may have felt

now and then

in your hardest moments 

a gentle caress

of your guardian angel

holding a signboard out for you 

but remember

he's no god or saviour

and to think so

you would only be a fool

for you are the one ,
the only one-

who can rescue you!

Mani, January 29, 2014

my Drug...

i wonder why nothing ever touches

or moves me

i'm a dead body walking

can't feel a thing

the mechanical act

of breathing barely manages  

to keep me functioning

keep running everywhere

out of desperation

begging,hopeless and despaired

sinking deeper into

the pit of nothingness

blind to my passion

deaf to my voice

unfeeling to the spark within

constantly questioning it

trying my best to drive it away

letting my defeats try to squash it

so at least 

once it dies

i could then hold its ashes

in my hands

and bleed

feel something,somehow ...

and as now in this moment

as the notes nourish my senses
as my lips form the words
i can barely hear

pain oozes out of my every pore

tears caress the smile

that comes on the face of the

one who sees a net
appear out of nowhere

catching him from his free fall

at the final second

when he's very nearly 

embraced his end

the relief...that god

you are not dead

you who created the drug
that breathes life into me
that stirs in my bosom
that balms my wounded soul
that makes the pit of my stomach wrench
that awakens my will
that steals sleep from my eyes,hunger from my body
as if its the most natural thing
and when the high wears me out
i float in the sweet esctacy of possibilities
as time waits for me to plug back in
all over again
you, my drug, my music

i hope to be hopelessly addicted to you...

forever.

Mani, 1 am, 30th January, 2014

Come to me...

come to me

my divine light,

come to me

my gurus, my saints

my guides & my guardian angels

my healer,my hope,

watch over me,

shield me,

lead me,

hold me close,

hold me dear,

hold me tenderly

as your child,

as your precious one

flow into me

breathe into me

light up all the dark 

spaces and places within me

squeeze out all the doubts

cleanse me from within

bathe me in faith,

dress me in love and light

seep within my very being

take over me

and set me free….

Mani, Dec 2013